Not getting what you want

Lately I’ve stopped wanting things.

 My younger self told my very confused and worried mother that I did the things I did so that I could write about them.

And I did. Write about them. I wrote and I wrote and I wrote….

 I wrote about just about every thing I did. 

I wrote about every reckless adventure .

I wrote about every journey I ever did,  and me, watching the tar moving out from beneath the wheels. 

I wrote about phosphorescence in a yachts wake, and a brass compass called ‘precious animal’. 

I wrote about a deadly river exit, and a wide blue sea, and a night when only I was awake to watch the horizon.

 At every destination, what I wanted wasn’t there. So I kept moving.

 And that went on for years.

 The things I wanted changed of cause. I grew older. Life happened, as they say, when I wasn’t looking.

I kept on wanting. Nothing in particular. But I knew the wanting was there, because the empty space remained.

Somewhere.

 For a good few years I thought God had fulfilled the want.

Well, that was disappointing.

Not at first, naturally.

To admit that God has disappointed is very hard to face. If He isn’t big enough, then in heavens name what is?

 And through it all I have journaled. Pages and pages of wants.

Wantings written down in poetry and prose and prayer and pleading and playing and procrastinating and pettiness and pleasure…..

 Sometimes journals were  the only thing I carried with me. I traveled light – just me and my wants….

 Aha.

The Universe is kind –  so said Albert Einstein (I believe…although he says so much lately, who knows?)

Nevertheless, search and you will find is a Universal Truth anyway.

 So, a couple of days ago I realized that it was time to give up wanting.

So I’ve stopped.

To want is to be in want. To want is not to have. To want is to beg to plead to need…

I’ve had so much all this time. I have so much.

From now on its only Gratitude.

For Then, Now and the Future.

Another Holy Trinity.

 Got it. Finally. Thanks.

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3 comments on “Not getting what you want
  1. Mark says:

    I have a few more ideas I want to try out. Altho I an afraid I haven’t yet finished with the last lot

  2. Teresa says:

    So true…to want always leaves one with a feeling of distance, lack and delay…within Gratitude there is no distance, lack or delay…just Oneness 🙂

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